CHOCOLATE EGGS!!!! It’s what Easter is all about…apparently 🙄

It’s heeeere…the day Christ rose from his grave as a result of the Easter Bunny performing some ritualistic voodoo, sacrificing chicks whilst his Disciples performed an ad hoc Easter Bonnet parade. As per usual, Judas fucked everyone over, causing Jesus to spring from his tomb in an absolute rage at being screwed by him twice in the space of a week. Oh yeah, and he did his whole water to wine trick, but misfired…tada; chocolate. Thus Easter was born. Well, that’s what I’m led to believe on account of Grayson’s ever so factual “Dad, I need all these chocolate eggs…it’s what Easter is all about!!”.

Crickey Moses Grayson, I’ve just had to majorly blaspheme in order to justify your bullshit.

Yes, sorry Gray…I’m afraid it’s not quite all about overpriced choccie eggs and guilt shaming parents into taking out a small loan to buy a handful of eggs that are ultimately destined to be left half eaten whilst you kids suffer either a major sugar high or a little Willy Wonka style chocolate river of vomit. No, it’s actually the next Holiday since Christmas, and has some major significance…and no Grayson that significance isn’t a shit ton of presents delivered by a 6ft human/bunny hybrid with his trusty sidekick ‘chocolate chick’.

Seriously…where did the whole chocolate eggs come from and how does it link?? I’m confused…and I’m sure a quick google could fix all that, but I’m not gonna do that…

Anyways…where Christians have church on Easter Sunday, we have our own holy place to visit…Castell Carreg Cennen. It’s our Easter tradition, and one we have been doing for the last 10 years or so…only downside is we have to meet up with Anya; I guess Easter is all about sacrifice though, so…

First things first…has Greenhaven suffered a midnight B & E at the hands of a mutant rabbit??!! Well…apparently Jordan ruined the surprise and dropped a major spoiler on Grayson; the Bunny had indeed arrived, and dropped off enough chocolate to keep Willy Wonks in business for another few years. Seriously? Where the hell did all this chocolate come from??!! Maybe he is real; maybe my whole adult life has been a lie?? I know I couldn’t afford all this…you know it’s all crazy priced when dropped £20 on 4 eggs a few days back and thought I was getting a bargain. Madness…

I digress…the kids had a wonderful hearty breakfast of chocolate chased down with chocolate…with a side of chocolate. Breakfast of champions that…well I guess if the championship you’re going for is to win a factory of Orange faced, Short assed doom singers from an eccentric old hermit. To be fair…I think I’d rather not win that with all the impending lawsuits and police investigations into the string of missing or horribly disfigured kids.

Right…worked up an appetite for something other than chocolate kids? Crikey, best get a move on for something savoury, I think Jordan is getting some pre diabetic shakes and the kids have started to bleed chocolate. PUT THE EGG DOWN ALASKA!!!

Lovely day today…sun is shining, and weather is bloody lovely; time to ruin it and catch up with the family. Jokes jokes…it was nice to see Dad 🙄

So here we are, no Ob-Easter Bunny this year…fit fucker had done a 50 mile run on Friday, followed by a worldwide chocolate delivery round overnight and was more fucked that Neil’s Dads arsehole (anyone get the not so subtle reference?). Catch up with Mam, Dad and Anya to the sight of Dad in deep concern and internal conflict; oh shit…you ok Dad? Something wrong? Are you not well? Has Anya finally updated her pronouns?…

“Dean…”.

Oh hell here it comes, brace yourself Dean. “I don’t think I’m having a Ploughman’s this year…I think I’ll go for the Rarebit”.

It’s worse than I feared; he’s lost his mind. Shape up Paulos…no idea who you’re trying to fool, you won’t break tradition; it’s like having Beef for Christmas Dinner…just plain wrong!!! Of course he caved…Ploughman’s and the fastest cake in the world…Rhubarb Crumble (it’s an in joke…); Never changes…

So yeah…Paul’s ok, back from his brief stint into madness; thank God…can’t have two absolutely insane parents. We order up and have the usual delicious meal…well, most of us. Alaska was fuming at the random Celery addition to her Margarita Pizza (to be fair…What the Fuck??!), and kicked right off; demanding I paid 8 quid for cheese on toast instead. Your wish is my command my beautiful little demon. Grayson wasn’t complaining though…made short work of the whole pizza; some say he planted the random veggies to deter his sister…

Dessert and a brief argument with Grayson because he wanted to visit a field full of Sheep; we did not want him to bother some poor farmers livestock…it’s bad enough they are marked for slaughter without some kid with a pizza sauce moustache bothering them.

Back home then…time to increase our chocolate egg stock thanks to Mam and Dad; I was getting worried we may actually avoid a diabetic coma and sugar shakes. Mam, Dad and Anya depart, followed by Jordan off to the salon to shave Elsa’s ass and Contify her (no that’s not a typo, I didn’t misplace the U for an O 🙄). Me and the kids? Well, I treated myself to a mid afternoon trampoline build…ALL BY MY SELF.

This was stupid…considering I royally fucked it up within 5 minutes and had to start over whilst Grayson spent a good 3 hours asking if the Trampoline was ready to “be bounced more than a Basketball at the hands of an ex pro with Parkinson’s”. Bloody hell Gray that’s some next level imagery there 🙄. Swearing more than I probably should have at an inanimate object (check my ring camera…comedy gold), and ignoring the urge to give up in tantrum at my involuntary participation in the shittest quiz show in the world, hosted by Grayson. It was finally done…it was time to use the Trampoline for all of an hour before it hammers down tomorrow. Seriously Dean what were you thinking…we live in Wales, our next sunny day will likely be June 2026…googles Trampoline tents; these actually exist…mental (I will be buying one for sure.

Quick game of ‘Bounce the dead body’…wait what??!! Not sure I want to be part of this fucked up game Grayson…how about something a bit more normal? Or…hear me out; just bounce in the Trampoline. Crazy I know…but you know.

Had some fun before hell broke loose, Grayson fought Alaska, and we called quits before Alaska retaliated and caused a major injury; when will be learn?

Quite a fun day despite the hours of manual labour and refereeing the West Wales equivalent of an attitude era hardcore match. Few more chocolate eggs for tea kids? Why the hell not.

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE 🐣