Seriously…WHERE IS DORIS DOORS??!!

Soo…it’s Sunday, we’ve had an incredibly busy week, we’re shattered…Thorpe Park then? Sure…why the hell not!!!

Fright Nights are in full swing, we don’t have many free days between now and season close, and you know…we bloody love a scare event; so we had to right? RIGHT?!! Without the kids of course (I think Alaska is still scarred from watching a Zombie waiter try serve her a human leg…it was delicious though…).

Up bright and early, leave an hour later than planned…standard. To be fair though, I couldn’t drag myself around any faster…did I mention I’m knackered? Primed, ready and finally summoning the strength to get in the car, we head off on our 3.5 hour half asleep drive to Thorpe Park.

“DEAN ARE YOU SLEEPING??!!”. No Jo, I’m bloody driving!!! To be fair…I was on the verge of taking us to a fiery grave, thank god for cats eyes ey? Coffee I think; the kids would miss me…

Loaded with an extra shot, fuelled with slightly more wake up juice and accompanied by the snores and sleep farts of Jordan, we finally make it unscathed…I think; I slept most of the way.

Oh yes…Thorpe Park…the park of endless queues; that should really be their tagline, though I guess they may lose custom; which ironically would negate it…oh such a catch 22. Luckily the presence of a blue badge has us shuffled to the front of line (wish we could do the same for Hyperia) destined to cut out an hour of switch backs bag searches. Honestly…no idea how they haven’t fine tuned the security checks yet…and certainly no idea why I was pulled aside for a full strip search.

Line skipped, and allowed to reclothe…where are we going Jo? You know where we’re going…and staying all day thanks to the constant breakdowns…

Hyperia? Hyperia? yeah…Hyperia. It’s great, but breaks down more than our Transit Van (still not fixed btw…I think it’s in competition with Hyperia). 90 minutes? I think not!!! Single rider it is!!

Me and Jo still haven’t ridden this together, but we’re not waiting 90 minutes for it. Well…actually we are; single ride does us over and 60 minutes in we’re watching an endless single rider line halt as the ride breaks down; SHOCKING!!! Shall we leave? Nah we’re in too deep…let’s commit and hope for the best; after all…Jordan’s here, so any ride she queues for is bound to break down.

Finally manage to board after a brief 100 minute wait…hmm; something tells me we’re in for a long day. Great ride, but way too short for the queue time. Colossus then?

80 MINUTES??!! Who the hell queues 80 minutes for Colossus? Or 100 minutes for Saw? Or 50 minutes for Rush for that matter??!!

What’s going on today? Think we’re doomed to prowl the park until our VIP scare maze tour at 5 o’clock.

Ahh, here’s a short line…’The Haunted Fanta Factory’…I wonder who’s sponsoring the event? Set up as an interactive experience in the back of a van…wait what??!! “Sign this waiver please”…what the hell is this??!!

Fearing for my life, we jump in line and quickly find that the shortest line in the park is still 30 minutes long…TERRIFYING!!

Quick video will before heading into the ‘Factory’…”you guys have any idea what we’re in for?”. No mate…must be terrifying, we’ve just signed the ‘if you die, Thorpe can’t get sued’ waiver, so guess we’re about to come face to face with the reaper.

Oh no…we’re up…

WHAT…THE…FUCK??!! Led to the back of a van and presented with a load of hole in the wall feely boxes…oh, now the waiver makes sense; some bloke promptly drops his trousers and makes his way to the wall. STOOPPPP!!! It’s not that kind of event!!!

Silly man (best buckle my belt back up I guess). So…stick your hands in the wall, find some pipes (Oi!! I already told you, it’s not that kind of event!!), and connect the Fanta plumbing back up. Cheap labour if you ask me…

Some random bloke appears and starts singing to us while me and Jo high-five severed hands and look in disbelief at the spectacle before us. Can we leave now? Cheers…

Well that was a bit mental…

Lunch brings us to the random Mexican place for some Burritos and Nachos whilst the event kicks off

Strange time to start a nighttime event; 3pm, but it is what it is. Lucifers Lair is blasting sick tunes, Purgatory Town has began its spooky audio overlay of Detonator and Sh-‘IT’ has replaced the 4D movie in the Sunset Cinema…

Spookily dookily…well, not quite; it’s still bright daylight and sunshine at the moment…not really giving spooky vibes, and nor are the cross park techno tunes. Bloody British mun; take me back to Orlando 😭

“If you’re just entering the line, the new wait time is 105 minutes”. Seriously??!! The Swarm showing a 55 minute wait shoots up an hour as a mass of people promptly leave in disappointment. Bloody hell mun, sky high wait times for everything; Merlin really need to sort the ride ops out, they can’t cope with a busy park day.

Back to a bit of aimless wandering I guess…and some pointless sustenance in the form of a couple of ‘limited edition’ crumbles; complete with red and green custard. Hmmm…not quite HHN level eats, but half decent.

Crumbles, well…crumbled (some Appley and Peachey goodness…mmmm) and it’s time to head to meet our tour guides. This should be fun…well, if Trailers opens (it’s been showing as closed since the mazes opened for the evening).

“NAME?!!”…bloody hell, Jordan jump scared by the VIP Tour guide…this isn’t a good sign for the evening. “Ummmm…ANWAR??!!”. Fuck sake Jo, not a trick question, he’s just trying to check us in. Mind you, he could have asked a bit nicer; save the scares for the mazes mate. A brief 10 minutes pass as our tour guide preps us all with random jump scares (mate…I can see you hiding behind the bin) and tales of how the actors will touch you and split you up never to be seen again (nice one mate, now that little kid is crying; dry your bloody tears Jordan!!). “Just waiting for one more person…”. Mate she’s here…her names Jordan, not Anwar.

Now we’ve cleared that confusion…let’s get on with the tour…wonder if it will be more organises than last year?

So…context. We are doing the Phantom Four VIP tour…front line access to each maze, the smugness of following a bloke with a flashy wand, and a limited edition pin and lanyard…pretty decent for £64 each to be fair.

Oooo…a briefing room; already more upper class than last year’s “ummm…follow me I guess” tour. Everyone gets a super special wristband, and we are led to the first maze of the night…’SURVIVAL GAMES’!!!

Well…rated at a 5/5 on the ‘Shit-your-pants-o-meter’ on Thorpe Parka official website, we were led to our doom; the youngest of our group still bricking it from Tour Guide Tim’s pre maze psych outs. No idea what was going on here…they’ve changed it up from last year where we were actually separated and dragged out of cages by mental cases; this time we had a brief that concluded with some mad bloke erupting from a cage and chasing us. Bloody hell jo wonder this kid is in floods of tears…every bloody scare actor singling her out, leaving the rest of us to watch the low key bullying of a 13 year old; all in the name of fun…

Decent maze, pretty long and some good jump scares and dark areas; still no idea what was going on mind, seems to have lost the story elements on last year…

Right…catch your breath, dry your tears, ‘Stitches’ is next!!!

Bloody love this maze…set in a creepy Toy Emporium where people are being made into toys; yep…think real life Sid, the toys get their revenge!!!

Some great sets, great scares, and great characters. My personal favourite for scariest maze character of 2025…some short Welsh lady wearing a bright Orange T Shirt; terrifying!!! In the mess of the maze, and after getting split from the group (thank god, we needed a break from her)…Jordan decided to try her hand at a round of scare acting (all that A Level Drama paid off) and lie in wait for unsuspecting guests. “AAARRRGGHHHH”. Fucking hell Jo, scariest thing I’ve seen all night!! The poor Cymbal Monkey Scare Actor had no idea what was going on…neither did the woman cowering in fear attached to my backpack…good times 😂.

Taking 5 to have a breather after my bear death experience, we headed next to ‘Dead Beat’. Death, Drugs and Rock n Roll…well; Drum n Bass, but it’s not got the same ring to it. DJ Canestro kicking off his end of the world party luring innocent guests into the club with the promise of ‘Top Notch Ganj’ (well I don’t know what drugs the cool kids do these days do I??!!), just to feed off their souls…naughty naughty man.

Party vibes, strobe lights and soul sucking demons…sounds like a Friday night in Merthyr. Great fun and lots of scares…just ask our tour guide; he was using Jordan like a human shield and channeling his inner Usain Bolt. It’s ok…we’ll catch up.

You ok mate? “Fucking shit myself…”. Ok…’Trailers’ then? Hell yes!!! The UK’s answer to Slaughter Sinema with an upgrade on last year…an actual story. Some mad director has been playing fuck with the movies and messed some stuff about and cause phobic as a result; ok on you go…TO YOUR DOOM!!!!

Always a good crack…a tour of the movies; Clowns (no not Jordan again), Creepy Dolls, Cowboys…hmmm; sounds an awful lot like a HHN rip off. Bloody great mind, even if I had to step over some poor old woman cowering in fear as her grandkids drag her through the maze. Pretty hilarious to be fair…on reflection; I wonder if the ambulance crew rushing in past us were there for her?

“Right…here’s your super special lanyards and badges; I’m off to change my pants”. Cool…and that was our tour. Great tour and well worth the money to be fair. Met some fun people in our group and even had one of the group have a ‘Scream off’ with Lucifers minions as part of a strange challenge thing they were taking on. Yeah…that was a bit mad.

Bye guys…enjoy the night, we’re off to visit the ‘Crows of Mawkin Meadow’. A hybrid maze/zone…this is pretty cool and reminiscent of a Jeepers Creepers/Wickerman mashup, complete with a burning effigy crescendo…I wonder if that was actually part of the show? She was screaming pretty badly. Hmmmm 🤔

Just enough time to take in the nighttime ambiance of the park and not ride Hyperia again (damn this looks great at night though), and have a Quick Look around the shops (and begrudgingly not buy anything) before we make a move home.

Shit day…way too busy, but had a fantastic evening. The mazes were great, the atmosphere at night is incredible and overall we had a brilliant time.

Will we be back next year? Aiii, more than likely; I’m expecting Jordan to be one of the scare actors…