GOLF? Why'd they have to choose Golf??!!

Picture the scene…light creeps in through the smallest gap in the curtains, Walt Disney's Silly Symphony ‘Springtime’ plays over the airwaves…and the smell of farts sifts through the air (yeah, cheers for that Grayson)…my hazy eyes open; what day is this? What time is it?…bloody hell, a Saturday with no work?? What is this luxury?

“Dad I can hear you, it’s time to get up”…yeah cheers for that Gray; no hope of a bit more of a lie in then?. Fine…I’m up, I’m up.

Another day without Mammy…”YES!!!”; bloody hell Alaska, don’t have to sound so happy…Grayson stop frantically agreeing with her (nodding faster than a dashboard bobble head heading along a country road).

After a few hours of animal feeding, cleaning and a trip to our local wholesalers, it’s time to actually do something…what’s the plan kids? Shouldn’t have given the option really…MINI…FRIGGING…GOLF.

FFS, why I thought this was a good idea I will never know. Can’t wait to watch the kids viciously assault the floor with a club while the ball idly watches in fear from the tee. “Fucking shitting myself I am Dean”…Don’t stress ball, there’s not chance they’re hitting you. Or maybe I’m wrong…guess we’ll see.

Manage to navigate the horrendous Saturday traffic and just about manage to squeeze the van into the nearest NCP just in time for our reservation at ‘Bunkers’ in Swansea. 24 holes of mini golf across 2 different courses…oh the joys.

To be fair, this place is great; some fun sets for the holes based around pop culture…The Simpsons, ET (Grayson’s favourite alien; I know I know…Stitch right?! The kid has no taste), and Back to the Future…ooo, tonight’s movie I think; never seen it (I know, sacrilege right?).

Time to turn back? Don’t think so, the kids have already belted up the stairs, taken a few pics in the golf buggy and crashed the hen party waiting to start their round of golf. Damn this place I rammed fuller than a Fletcher at an all you can eat buffet.

Finally fight our way past the masses of hen dos and birthday parties to the desk to check in and get swindled into purchasing some jazzed up balls. A trio of Pokeballs please…what? Fine, 2 pokeballs and a leopard print for Alaska please…nightmare. I would worry about the balls getting scuffed, but there’s no way the kids are hitting these; well unless a swift breeze is going to damage them; best get a few back up balls just incase though…

Loco course up first; wait, nope the rowdy Hen do is heading that way and Grayson going is all too eager to join in with all the cock shaped headbands and golf clubs; not today kid. Oreo course to start…

Sons of Tragedy to start…well it’s supposed to be a Sons of Anarchy themed hole, but after 6 shots at nothing and a battering of the motorbike tire, Jax would be rolling in his grave. Lets just mark it 6 a piece and move on in hopes better things to come.

A Mirror maze where Grayson shits himself more Jordan, and on to the Quidditch pitch to display a complete lack of wizardry and score some more 6 pointers. Double disappointment as hopes of both winning the Masters and getting accepted to Hogwarts become blatantly unachievable. Stop the owls…there’s no point in them coming here.

The trauma of it all was all too much…the kids are bloody useless at hitting a ball, and I’m just as bad. Coupled with the heat I almost collapsed in a stress induced heap (or maybe I was just desperate to end the humiliation??…you decide). Thankfully following a brief stint of pars, birdies and weasels (yeah that’s right I know all the golf terms), I managed not to die and preserve.

The kids may be shit at golf, but they are brilliant at taking ages to do anything, and still somehow managing to hassle the families in front to hurry up with their turns…it’s a skill; well, that and managing to piss around with all the props along the way…

Photo riding ET’s bike? Why not…falling off static skateboards? Would have felt foolish if they didn’t; GOLF kids, we are here to golf…this cost me £40 bloody quid, at least try enjoy the task.

Almost there Dean, almost there…well at the end of round 1 anyways. Last hole, let’s go…”Aww dad you’re cheating…if you’re gonna cheat so am I”…Grayson promptly misses throwing his ball and coming last…damn, you sure showed me kid.

Pit stop…thank God, I need the rest. Wallet gets a worse hammering than all 12 holes on the Zorro course…2 juices and a coke; £10; Disney World prices right there…well done Swansea, you’re made the bigtime.

Round 2 then I guess; let’s get it over with…maybe it will be better right?? WRONG!!! Just as bad as round 1; maybe a little worse… smashing the literal shit out of hole 1. The family behind us were so intimidated they skipped hole 1 altogether, gave themselves the default score of 6 and started at hole 2; wait…can I join you guys?? PLEASE!!!!

Pinball pain as we are given some respite and play a bit of golf pinball…I mean the kids weren’t any better, but at least they weren’t going at the floor faster than the Seven Dwarves mining for diamonds to impress that hussy Snow White.

Few more holes and I’d all but given up bothering to keep score so started relying on the kids keeping the golfing honor system; sure…they were lying to me, but I was making my own scores up anyways so knew I’d be the winner eventually…takes 6 shots “dad that’s 3”…yeah yeah ok…did you see my hole in 1 kids? It definitely happened.

Not long to go thankfully, but not before Alaska resorted to quitting her short lived golf careers in favour of playing hockey…you can’t just dribble the ball to the hole and call it a hole in 1 Alaska.

Next few holes saw the kids Smashing Cymbals and Drums harder than a metal drummer for a change of pace rather than taking it out in the poor floor, and Alaska proclaiming “I am the queen of golf” from the Iron Throne; to be fair…I’d put her defeating a white walker and conquering Westeros every time.

Where we’re going,..we don’t need golf; cheers Doc Brown, play us out of here…last few holes and the trauma that is our fun filled family trip to mini golf is finally complete. Who won? Who the hell knows, I’m just glad it’s over.

I did win BTW…I was the only one that could hit the ball…well; 60% of the time, every time anyways.

Lunch in Wingstop accompanied by Grayson’s stair pole dance…between the hen do and the pole dancing I’m getting worried for his future. Pretty decent food, chased with a few churros and it’s time to get a final fleecing at the NCP before heading home (£8 for 3 hours…daylight robbery).

Finish the evening with a Back to the Future Movie marathon…half decent movies to be fair; no wonder they have a bit of a following.

Good day…well, half decent anyways…