🎶 It was only a Winters Tail 🎶

At the stroke of midnight…boom!! November is over, Maria Carey awakens from her 11 month slumber, and Noddy Holder decides it’s that time of year again to kick off….IIIIITTTTSSSS CHRIIIISTMAS!!!!

Yep, getting more and more Grinch as I get older, I’ve refused to acknowledge Christmas until December 1st. So now? Now it’s on!!! Let’s Christmas this bitch up. The start of a month of fun filled Santa Sundays…today’s destination; Winters Tail at Chessington World of Adventures…let’s see what this is about.

A 4 hour trek to the North Pole…or so the weather would suggest (it’s bloody horrific today), and following a few quick pee stops for old child’s bladder Dean, we eventually arrive for Chessing-tons of fun at the Enchanted Village.

Most of Merlin’s theme parks have closed for the winter (absolute quitters…wouldn’t find that on the continent) apart from their seasonal offerings. Luckily, Chessington still had a lot open, and loads to do…seriously, they levelled up on their Christmas event.

Ok, so Santa would have to wait a bit to meet the famous Fletcher clan, sorry Nick, we’ve got 1.45 entry tickets.

What to do? What to do…ahhh, the Trail of Kings…let’s see the Lions, Gorilla and Binturong in their festive attire, taking on the traditions of their species. What?? No Lions dressed as Santa Claws??!! No Gorilla Nativity???…Shocking!!! It was like the animals had taken a Madagascar style vaycay and moved on for a little Winter sun…The abdicated Trail of Kings….Don’t blame them, I’m cold, I’m tired and I need a break too.

No time to mourn the absence of the Kings of Chessington, Jordan was hangrier than the Lions under Scar’s tenure (keeping the Lion theme…that’s clever writing right there). Surprise surprise, the only eateries worth venturing to were Sergio Ramos, and we were on a countdown for Santa. Bugger it, let’s get robbed at Captains Fish and Chips. Carrying on the pirate theming in an effort for some kind of Galaxy’s Edge immersion, the Chessington Chip Shop fleeced me, and left us with a mound of sub standard chips for our trouble…cheers for that. Pretty cute to see Mags has managed to imprint her worst habit on Alaska…no, not leaving teabags around the house or pissing in the corridor and blaming the dogs…no, Alaska has taken to stuffing random tissues up her sleeve as storage…pockets Loo, you have pockets.

Oh, is that the time??!! Santa sends me a quick text (‘see you soon sexy 😘’)…fuck sake Nick, one time I sit on your lap and you can’t let it go!!! Remain professional you bearded sex pest!!

Right, let get to it. As we enter the village, snow adorns the village and manic Elves run ragged…their first day out following the last 11 months of hard labour…this is their playtime!! Poor buggers! Mind you, with the enthusiasm they were chucking around, it’s no wonder Santa uses them to make millions of toys a year…are we sure that’s snow??

We are given a Christmas village passport that allowed us safe passage to the North Pole. Damn, Santas passport office put the HM Passport Office to shame…well either that or their immigration policy is severely lacking…any chance of a long term Visa for the kids?? Luckily, the Enchanted Village was exempt from EU worker regs.

What the hell is this??!! Santa makes you work for your present here…none of this naughty or nice bullshit. We had tasks to do in order to make it to the big man and gain passage to the Toy Workshop…madness?? THIS IS SANTAAA!!!! (Anyone get the reference??).

Luckily we are greeted by the most enthusiastic being I have ever met (and we have a poodle that worships the ground I walk on…shame it’s not reciprocated 🙄). Snowflake the Elf, complete with an enthusiasm only matched by a three year old 3 bags deep into Mickeys Not So Scary Halloween Candy. She was awesome!! The kids had a fantastic time interacting with her, even if Alaska did challenge her to a ‘Splits Off’. A mass crowd gathered as a 3 year old drops to the floor followed by a crazy Elf slut dropping to defeat Alaska…we have some surreal days out aii.

Right, thanks for the memories Snowflake…TAKE US TO SANTA!!! Yep, ‘Chris Cringle and the Never Ending Wait’…coming to a cinema December 2025. Damn this line was long, like everyone only came to Chessington for one reason. To be fair, when a celeb is town, you’re bound to have everyone want to meet them. I remember similar scenes when I played rockstar circa 2010…ahhh, the memories (or delusions; you decide).

It’s ok, the Elves had a plan…the line erupts into a Silent disco filled with Christmas tunes as we all dance like bloody idiots in silence (well silence to everyone without a headset). Grayson was in his element, blasting out classics like ‘Felix Navidaaaaa’ and losing himself in the festive season. Damn this was cute to see, Gray and Nij were so damn happy just waiting in line, listening to Christmas bangers and just dancing, enjoying the moment….so damn happy. We all were….Until…WHAMAGEDDON!!! Oh no, someone accidentally changes over Jordan’s station and she violently enters Whamhalla alongside me. Not even a day in and she’s out of there. I thought she was going to batter me with the oversized Candy Cane the Toy Soliders were holding….thank god we’re surrounded by people, otherwise I may not be here regaling the tale of how I survived the Great Whammageddoning of 2024.

Saved by the bell…the Jingle Bell!!! We are summoned and away we go to meet SANTA!!! Holy shit this Santa was incredible. What he lacked in traditional Santa aesthetic, he more than made up for in interaction. Honestly, the kids were in awe, and I was damn near in tears at the wonder in their little faces…honestly fantastic. He knew their names, made them really believe and was just fantastic. Such a great experience…and he even held off on the aforementioned harassment of myself (must have been another Santa that dropped me a sext earlier).

Suitably pleased that the kids had completed their passport challenge, they are stamped and sent on their way (that was much more cheerful than US passport control…they could learn a thing or too for Jolly Old Saint Nick).

Wending out way through the snow filled trees, we next stopped off at the Toy workshop to meet some of the naughtier Elves not granted day release into the village, and pick up our final passport stamp and Gingerbread Plushies…wonderful; great theming and interaction all round. Highly recommend this, and meeting the Reindeer and festive Sea Lions was a nice touch.

Quick spin on The Gruffalo River Adventure to watch a mouse play fuck with a hungry Gruffalo, and then on to The World of Jumanji.

Has Grayson grown?? Will today be the day??

ITS A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!! Grayson’s wish to Santa had come early and he was finally tall enough to ride Mandrill mayhem!!! Damn, the joy in this kids face; he was happier than a kid meeting a Santa (and I would know, I just witnesses both events). Grays first Coaster with an inversion, and our first ride in this ride. Great fun, great started coaster, and a lot of fun. So fun he went in twice and managed a back row ride with Jordan…I’m not jealous at all.

Making good use of his new adaptation we also hit up Ostrich Stampede to round off Jumanjiville…pretty decent to be fair, and Grayson loved this one too!!

Time for Nij to have some fun, and a quick spin on Barrel Bail Out and the battle of the circular tub with non functioning water pistols…’BOOOOO!!’. Chill out 1.2 Gru, last week you would have been loving this…just because you’ve experience the thrill of a decent coaster…let Loo have her fun.

Ok final stop…this Winters Tail event is great…stop off at the Cookie Trail to pick up some delicious Chocolate Chip cookies and round off an awesome day.

Honestly, it took ages to get her, this weather was shit, we’re all under the weather…but what a way to kick off Christmas 2024!!!

There were lots we missed, but we were more than happy with the time we had…well well worth it, and such an amazing day out.

See you next year Chessington!!!