Tomi and Mabli: The Touring Teddy Bears

OK OK…UK theme park season is back!!! Can I get a ‘HELL YEAH!!??’…”HELL YEAH!!!!”; thank you random person reading this somewhere…I’m all about the audience participation.

Yes, yes…The major parks have sprung back into action following a winter long slumber in an effort to rest up in anticipation for the droves of avid punters intent of getting their thrill on. Poor old Mr Towers, Chessy the World of Adventures, Thorptimus Prime and a few other of the big guns tucked themselves in to bed, top and tailed it and basically said “fuck that!!, We’ll deal with this in springtime”. Pretty sensible I’d say, but for us…Well we’ve already started our theme park fix a little early with a trip to Orlando; so now we’re well up for touring the UK once again in search of more thrills than Mikey J kicked up in ‘82, and more of an adrenaline spike than a night on the naughty powder sniffed off the back of a Merthyr nightclub toilet.

All that to say…today, we headed back to Alton Towers for the start of the 2025 season; well a week later than opening…but word across the internet is that opening weekend was a literal shitshow anyways. Seriously, google ‘Alton Towers opening day 2025…Poo’. Let’s see if the internet remembers this in years to come.

Looking forward to today, despite the never ending car ride…cramped with two additional passengers…Tomi and Mabli; the school teddy bears. Wait what? Yep, Jordan’s sense of 1 up manship has hit a new level, and we were forced to book an impromptu trip to Alton just to get some pics of the teddy bear twins on Nemesis and Curse (Tomi and Mabli’s suggestions…little Tomi was really excited to ride his first coaster…awww).

Plan foiled before we started…quick height check; poor buggers don’t meet minimum requirements for the coasters; have you ever seen a teddy bear cry? Poor Tomi was fucking gutted when I told him he couldn’t ride Nemesis Reborn…cried his little button eyes out.  All turned a bit nasty mind when he’s started protesting cuddly toy prejudice and tried to get the dolls and toy blocks at Curse to sign his petition for ‘equal rights for stuffed teddy bears’. Settle down Tomi or there’ll be no ice cream for you…fucking self entitled teddy bear.

Note to future Dean: when you’re looking for the moment you knew you’d lost your mind…this is it.

Moving on…

So yeah, finally Tomi settled down (had to give him a bear hug to calm him). We’ve renewed our passes for another year, and so the impromptu teddy tour has only cost me my sanity; these Merlin passes are great :)

Alton Towers has a brand new ride for this season…’Toxicator’, a new addition to their flat ride contingent with a badass colour scheme, and half decent back story based around Nemesis…oooooo. Come on, it’s brand new, you can do better than that…OOOOOOOOOO. Nice one, that’s the correct level of excitement for a top spin flat ride almost exactly the same as one they removed 10 years ago.

We were pretty excited to be fair, and there has been a decent buzz around the ride with  comments like “it’s half decent to be fair”, and “that’s fucking wicked butt” (…no, the comments weren’t from me 🙄, how dare you!!).

Anyways, I’m descending into madness again, time to get back on track. They were really pushing Toxicator to the droves of people. Towers Street was decked out in Green and Black, biohazard barrels filled the ponds, and the Phallus Frogs were out and about…what do you mean it’s ’Phalanx??!!’. Ok, the Towers Street frogs had cool little Phalanx outfits on to complete the theme…they weren’t dressed as cock frogs; STOP PICTURING COCK FROGS!!!…What’s wrong with you all??!!.

Me and Gray swing a right to the ‘Marvel ride’…what? Don’t think Merlin has the financial clout to take on Disney to be fair Gray…do you mean Marble?. What he really meant was Pinball…because, you know…nope? Me neither.

Anyway…once we’d deciphered Grayson’s cryptograph; we eventually joined a queue that rivalled Rip Ride Rockit in the queue line ‘boring as fuck ‘o’ meter’; Spinball Whizzer, a ride that proves that you don’t need to hide a rusty track or give much theming as long as you have shit games in the queue and a whole lot of nostalgic British charm. Well…not really, but it is a fun ride that Grayson instantly ranked in just top 10 coasters worldwide. Watch out Hagrids…

In the meantime, Alaska and Jo ended up in CBeebies, treating Tomi and Mabli to a ride on Postman Pat…Mabli enjoyed apparently, Tomi was devastated he missed out on the rickety marble ride.

Fearing for my life on a rusted pinball coaster had worked up quite the appetite, and Grayson was claiming starvation by now too…poor kid, he’s only had a few choccie bars for breakfast. Caught up with Jo and Alaska who were also in agreement that obtaining some overpriced sustenance was next up on today’s to-do list. Fancy some overpriced Hotdogs and Nachos guys? Yeah? I know just the place. £30 for 2 Hotdogs? Absolute madness…not even Disney would dare take the piss that much, and they do some stupid shit. Ahh, whatever, get in my belly you gold plated porky bastard!!!

What? It’s not gold plated? No, but Alaska did try saturate hers in mustard; something I’m sure you can understand I was keen to stop on account of having to remortgage the house to afford them. Here have a taste of the mustard first Loo…”fucking gripping Dad”. Yep, didn’t think you’d like it…

Belly full of what I can only assume is the most sought after meat in the world (well how else can they justify the price??), we headed across to an attraction that Alaska adores, but Grayson says is “scarier than Mammy without makeup on”….calm down Gray, it’s not that scary. Here we go…The Curse at Alton Manor…if Disney wanted to traumatise kids, this would be the ride they’d design. Absolutely terrifying, but absolutely brilliant. Grayson even managed to open his eyes for a decent picture…Mabli and Tomi shit themselves though…stuffing everywhere.

Quick stop to refuel at the Coach House Confectionary to spend a few quid on a totally not worth it cookie sandwich (it had green filling…I needed it ok). Gray enjoyed it though…little bugger legged it with my cookie before I could even get a sniff of it. As punishment we were going to go back on Curse, but Tomi kicked up so much fuss we just moved on. You’re lucky the bear likes you Gray…

Nemesis Subterra next; well…following Tomi and Mabli’s photoshoot at Phalanx HQ. Great recruitment; Nemesis can’t murder you if you’re stuffed with fluff. Finally convinced Grayson Subterra would be a barrel of laughs; not a terrifying drop into Nemesis hell, tormented by an Alien while we’re trapped…definitely not that. Come on then Gray let’s gooo; Nope. Little short arse is about 6inches too short to be thrust in to hell. Bad times kid. Come watch me and Mammy ride Toxicator instead.

Yeah…so here we are, the new highly anticipated ride for 2025…that looks just like the ride they took away 10 years ago. Brilliant that. Ripsaws toxic replacement. Loving the colour scheme, great back story, and very fitting into the Forbidden Valley. Always wanted to cosplay as a pair of socks in a tumble dryer? Well, have Alton Towers got the treat for you…

Toxicator was pretty damn fun to be fair, well I enjoyed, Jo enjoyed…the woman sitting next to me?; not so much. Poor fucker was dragged on by her partner; presumably they had just taken a substantial life insurance policy out and theywere hedging their bets…almost.

Quick duck in to Bunker 94 to pick up some merch and take a glimpse into the future; had to stop Alaska trying to buy a crop top. Not until you’re 18 babes…oh it’s for me? I’ll get 2…

Disappointed the Sky Ride was just tease testing…so close, opens in April, poor timing indeed. I was really looking forward to not walking miles across to The Smiler; bugger it, I’ll jump in the kids stroller. Jordan…ferry us to X Sector, my little legs are tired.

Quick stop off at “The best tree in the world”…bit of an exaggeration mind Gray. Top 5 maybe, but the best? Nah. You enjoy it though babes…

Right, finally at X Sector…ignore Oblivion as always. A vertical drop? Ooo how 1998. Seriously though, needs updating just a smidge, chuck a loop or something in. Speaking of which…time to ride The Smiler!! Jordan’s absolute favourite ride here at Alton, so intense some people have even lost their fillings on it… Well, Jordan has, is that not a common thing?

Make my way through single rider and hop on with a Dad and his 2 kids. One of the poor kids were in full on breakdown mode and not really looking forward to being chucked around a coaster who’s claim to fame is maiming a hand full of people. On second thoughts…GET ME OFF!!! I tried my best, but sorry kid, I’m not really great at the whole reassuring terrified kids malarkey…I can offer a sarcastic comment though? That any good?

Phew, we made it…see kid, told you we wouldn’t die. Quick switcheroo with Jordan just in time to miss CBeebies land (sorry kids), and return to X Sector to see a devasted Jordan doing the walk of shame from the filler killer. Poor bugger…her favourite ride had broke down more than that poor kid sat next to me. Nightmare…down for the day. The curse of Jordan strikes again.

Getting dark now…it’s Alton after Dark btw…one of the rare occasions Alton Towers shows off its lighting package this side of summer. This means that Wickerman is looking amazing, and not at all like a giant wooden fire hazard…

Jo and Gray head to Wickerman for a night ride, and me and Alaska head to yet another Sealife… “I dare you to put your hand in there”. No thanks Alaska, I’m not a kid that can be bullied by peer pressure…do you double dog dare me??

Kicked out of Sealife for fighting a Starfish…he had it coming. Just in time to rider switch with Jordan and head back to Wickerman with Gray. “I can’t wait to die!!!”…fucking hell kid, never introduce Gray to a cult, he’ll be well up for a painful, fiery death. Awesome coaster, gets better every time we ride it, and so cool at night.

Exit through the gift shop, grab a few on badges and head back on the 4 hour journey home. Stop off at Burger King where Grayson the Upside Down Prince and Alaska the Right Way Up Princess (I know I know…they are super cool kids) treat us to an evening meal before promptly sleeping all the way home.

Great day out, even if it was absolutely freezing. See ya real soon.